Swine flu. Run for my life!
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
