the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
