My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
