I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
