you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
