Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
