The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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