Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
