I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
No subtext here. People are naked.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
