Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
