...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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