this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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