Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
