you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
