After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize