i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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