I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
