I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
