My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Randomize
