Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
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