Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
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