and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
