Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
