You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
