Cold hands, warm shart.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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