Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
