And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
