haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
