his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Randomize