at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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