So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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