I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
