Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
