The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
