Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
The air taste purple.
Randomize
