I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
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