half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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