i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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