Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
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