found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
