Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Randomize
