Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
