Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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