update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
