Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
