My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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