I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
