oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
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