so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
You're a waste of cheezeits
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
