checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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