I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
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