I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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