Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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