You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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