So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Randomize
