I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
