I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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