is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
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