i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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