4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
