evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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