i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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