Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize