Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
